


I don't want you to be alone anymore

by Nellosel



Category: Dragon Age: Origins
Genre: Be warned!, Canon Compliant, F/M, Hurt/Comfort, morrigan and her blood magic, obviously contains spoilers regarding the end of the game, question mark question mark question mark, seriously she's all about it i don't get it, sort of a happy ending, sort of vulgar language, the warden is a female Cousland named Alana
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-31
Updated: 2018-01-31
Packaged: 2019-03-11 21:30:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,131
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13532919
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Nellosel/pseuds/Nellosel
Summary: The night before the Battle of Denerim, Alana is faced with a situation where everything goes against what she believes in ... and yet she cannot say no. (Contains spoilers for the end of the game!)





	I don't want you to be alone anymore

**Author's Note:**

  * For [kiazareni](https://archiveofourown.org/users/kiazareni/gifts).



> So I reached ~that point in the game, and the whole ~thing happened and through all of it, I couldn't shake the feeling that I wanted to write it. I wanted to write down how I felt during the scene... And since the game is pretty much a self-insert running all accross Ferelden, I took my warden, a female Cousland named Alana, and made her feel all these things. :D Sorry not sorry. I'm pretty sure this has been written many times before, but meh, it's alright. I also used (mostly) the original conversation pieces from the game. I'm gifting this work to my good friend Reni who introduced me to this heartbreak of a game and I hate her. [Music you should listen to is this.](https://open.spotify.com/track/6UBzeTOHTEWSKf79o9aXmL?si=eY__Sa75Tfu6ViYGu5vVPw)  
> I even photoshopped an image for it because I'm lame.  
> 

Alana knew something was up when she decided to finally go back to her room and found Morrigan standing at the lit fire, looking into the sparkles, lost in her thoughts. She approached her, hoping it wouldn’t take too long whatever she wanted to say. She wanted to get some rest before the mad march towards Denerim began tomorrow.

“Do not be alarmed,” Morrigan said as Alana was about halfway into the room. Alana stopped and waited for Morrigan to continue. She turned to her, and smiled a little. “It is only I.”

“Is everything alright, Morrigan?” Alana asked cautiously. 

“I am well,” she replied, her tone turning a little graver, “‘tis you who are in danger.”

Alana looked at her a little dumbfounded. Morrigan shouldn’t know about the Archdemon, and what the fate of the Grey Warden murdering that bastard would be, but then… She realized she wasn’t that surprised after all. Morrigan knew a whole lot more than she ever revealed knowing. It could entirely be possible she knew this all along, just didn’t think about mentioning it. Not that it mattered anymore.

Seemingly not caring about Alana’s confusion, Morrigan just went on with her talk.

“I have a plan, you see,” she said, crossing her arms in front of her. “A loop in your hole. I offer a way out for all the Grey Wardens, that there need be no sacrifice.”

Now that did make Alana take a step back in shock. Those words were almost too good to hear. Everyone surviving? That wasn’t something she counted on happening.

“Does not need to be?” she asked, just to make sure she heard it right. “What do you mean?”

Morrigan nodded and stepped closer to Alana, intent clear on her face.

“A ritual, performed on the eve of battle, in the dark of night,” she said almost whispering the words. That made Alana confused even more.

“Just what sort of ritual is this?” she asked, this time feeling anger creeping up on her arms. She had it with rituals for a lifetime.

“It is old magic, from a time before the Circle of Magi was created,” Morrigan explained. “Some might call it blood magic, but that is but a name. There is far more to fear in this world than names.”

In that second, a whole lot of emotions happened all at once inside Alana. She felt angry and a little hopeful at the same time. Blood magic? No way she would ever agree to do anything with that. Ever since she joined the Grey Wardens – though that wasn’t that long ago mind you –, she fought blood magic with all she had. 

But then, a way to save everyone? To save Alistair from dying? … 

Alana took a deep breath and after a few heartbeats, looked up at Morrigan.

“Tell me more,” she said. She pushed away the righteousness inside herself that screamed at her not to do it, and just looked at Morrigan, waiting to hear what she wanted to do.

“What I propose is this,” Morrigan began to speak. “Convince Alistair to lay with me. Here, tonight. And from this ritual a child shall be conceived within me.”

Alana forced herself to breathe through the new wave of shock. Morrigan, having sex with Alistair? A child? The universe HAD to be kidding with her. Suddenly she thought the Archdemon was the easiest target to deal with.

“The child will bear the taint, and when the Archdemon is slain, its essence will seek the child like a beacon,” Morrigan went on with explaining the plan, not even caring about Alana’s visible shock. “At this early stage, the child can absorb that essence and not perish. The Archdemon is still destroyed, with no Grey Warden dying in the process.”

If it were possible, Alana felt even more disturbed. A vulnerable child being exposed to such evil? Alana’s heart ached. She felt dizzy.

“Um… So the child becomes a darkspawn?” she asked the first question that came into mind. Morrigan finally noticed Alana’s distress and came over to help her sit down. She gave her a glass of water to drink before she continued.

“Not at all,” she replied to Alana’s question. “It will become something different: a child born with the soul of an Old God.”

Morrigan leaned back in her chair, crossing her arms in front of her once again.

“After this is done, you allow me to walk away… and you do not follow. Ever. The child will be mine to raise as I wish.”

Alana’s heart ached ever more painfully at that thought. Even if she had nothing to do with it, she felt for this unborn creature that was only just a thought right now. 

“How do you even know this will work?” she asked instead, to distract herself from the ache for something she knew she could never have. She raised the glass to her lips once more, trying to unsuccessfully wash the lump that was forming in her throat down with water.

“Well, this is what my mother intended when she sent me with you,” Morrigan said. “She was the one who first gave me this ritual and told me of what I was meant to do.” She looked at Alana, who was still in shock, trying to regulate her heartbeat. “This… does not surprise you, does it? Did you not wonder why Flemeth saved your life, why she aided you?” When Alana shrugged, not knowing how to answer, Morrigan immediately followed up, “This is why.”

She continued talking. “What is important is that I am offering this to you now. It will work and it will save your life.”

The certainty in Morrigan’s voice was so reassuring that for a brief moment, Alana did actually believe it would work. She felt like she was being torn apart by the decisions she had to make at that moment.

“Wait… Can you tell me more about the child?” she asked, trying to delay what seemed like the inevitable. Morrigan knew as much, and she sighed.

“As you wish,” she said obligingly, clearly only doing so because Alana asked.

“The child… Won’t be hurt, will it?” Alana didn’t know why she asked that. It didn’t matter much now did it? Only one day old, surely a mass of cells couldn’t feel pain. Yet it distressed Alana to think about how a child, a tiny young one, could suffer from the decisions she made.

Morrigan watched Alana closely for a minute before answering.

“Ignoring that after but one night it could barely be called a child… no, it will not be hurt. It will be changed.”

Alana sighed in relief. As much as she knew Morrigan was right, knowing the child wouldn’t suffer made it a bit better.

“And… What do you intend to do with the child?” she asked. Morrigan’s face closed up even more so than usual and she turned her head away.

“I do not wish to tell you,” she said. Alana nodded. Morrigan thought this through. She had made her plans. 

“I see,” she said. “That’s enough about the child then.”

“Then have you decided?” Morrigan asked, looking back at Alana, who nodded in agreement. An ill feeling settled in Alana’s stomach. “A wise decision. I shall wait here while you go speak with Alistair. I urge you to be convincing.”

Alana nodded again. As she stood up, she had to grab the back of the chair for support. She felt lightheaded. Morrigan didn’t approach her to assist her, and she was grateful for that.

She felt sicker and sicker as she walked out of her room, and went looking for Alistair, who she found in one of the spare bedrooms, leaning over a detailed map of Denerim marked with battle plans. When he heard her approach, he stood up, and drew her body into a hug. She hoped he didn’t feel how cold she was all over. 

“I see you can’t sleep, either,” he said, smiling down at Alana, who tried her level best to smile back. He leaned his head down against Alana’s shoulder and nuzzled her neck with his nose, while he continued to speak. “I also saw Morrigan outside your room earlier, and the look she gave me…” Alistair shivered a little, and then laughed to ease the tension. “That was icy even for her.” He then lifted his head and looked at Alana with a smile. “What’s up?”

The ice cold grip on her stomach did not ease up one bit. Alana tried to swallow, with not much success. 

“Alistair, we need to talk,” she said, not even hearing her own words. She felt like she was about to vomit.

Alistair looked for a few seconds longer at her, and then he stepped back and leaned against the bedpost, crossing his arms in front of him. 

“I guess whatever Morrigan had to say, it’s big.” Alistair sighed and dramatically looked up at the ceiling as if he were pleading with the gods. “This is what I get for becoming king. Everyone always brings you the bad news. So what is it, then? Rats, running amok? Cheese supplies running low? I can take it.”

Alana took a deep breath.

“I love you, you know that, right?” She had to get that out. She felt he wouldn’t be so sure of that truth much longer, once she was done talking.

Alistair looked at her, his brows running together in confusion. 

“Could you make it sound more ominous?” he asked, now looking concerned. “Tell me already.”

Another deep breath.

“I need you to do something you won’t like.”

“I don’t care for the sound of that,” Alistair said, shaking his head, trying to get to the point. He looked more like a king as he straightened his back and let his voice rumble deep. “What are you talking about?” he asked, though it sounded more like a demand.

At that second, the tension was so much that Alana couldn’t deal with it. She was either about to throw up or faint, and that wouldn’t have been useful in that situation at all. So she reached for something Alistair loved to use in uncomfortable situations – humor.

“Your wildest dreams coming true: sex with Morrigan,” she said, faking a dark tone while trying her best to hide the tremor in her voice.

Alistair laughed out loud at that sentence, his whole body moving with the laugh. He propped his hands on his waist, and shook his head while he still laughed.

“Alright, that’s pretty funny,” he said, smiling at Alana. “Nice way to cut the tension. So what’s really up?”

The ice grip was still there around her stomach, only now her fingers started to feel ice cold as well. Another deep breath.

“I’m completely serious,” she said. “It’s part of a ritual. It’ll help us survive killing the Archdemon.”

Alistair’s response was another bout of laughter.

“Cuuute,” he said, grinning at Alana, looking a little proud of all things. “This is payback, right? For all the jokes?”

However, when Alana’s expression didn’t turn into an amused one, and she just looked at him, not saying anything, Alistair’s expression dropped. “You… are not laughing. You’re actually serious,” he said, leaning back against the bedpost, now looking like he was splashed with a bucket of cold water. “Wow, be killed by the Archdemon or sleep with Morrigan. How does someone make that kind of a choice?”

Alistair stepped aside to sit down onto the bed, looking down in confusion. When he lifted his head to look at Alana, she felt like she was about to give it all up right there and then. The hurt in Alistair’s eyes stabbed her right in her heart.

“You’re not actually asking me this, are you?” Alistair asked, looking vulnerable and betrayed. “What kind of ritual is this, anyway?”

Once Alana got over the shock of Alistair looking at him as if she kicked a puppy, she decided to go on.

Another deep breath.

“It’s… some kind of ancient magic. Flemeth’s, probably,” she said, and she knew it wasn’t that solid of an argument, but her mind was empty and that was the best she could think of.

“Well, that’s reassuring. Wait, no, it isn’t,” Alistair bit out sarcastically, and then he looked away. She didn’t even flinch. She deserved his distrust. She swallowed, waiting whether he had something else to say.

“Look,” Alistair began, looking up at Alana again, “even if I was willing to entertain this idea… and I’m not saying I am… is this really what you want me to do? Are you sure…?”

That was the breaking point. If she couldn’t convince Alistair here, it was all over. However, she was more or less certain this had to be done. She had to say the words to convince him.

She only hoped Alistair would forgive her after.

“You need to trust me.” Those words gripped her heart so tight she thought her life would end, but she knew she had to say them. 

Alistair looked straight in her eyes at that, probably trying to gauge her true feelings. Once he found nothing but resolution, he sighed.

“I do trust you,” he said, shrugging. “If this is what you think is best… I’ll do it.”

Relief flooded her body, making Alana breathe deeply without feeling like she was about to throw up. She smiled at Alistair, who smiled back at her, looking a little weary. He then groaned.

“Where is she then?” he asked, starting for the door. “Let’s go and get this over with before I... change my mind.”

They walked back towards Alana’s room in silence. Alana didn’t dare touch Alistair or look at him, because she knew the second she did, she’d start crying and try to stop this from happening. When they entered the room, Morrigan was sitting on Alana’s bed, looking at them with a smile.

“‘Twould seem your talk is done?” she asked, though it was pretty obvious, otherwise they wouldn’t have been there.

“Great,” Alistair groaned again, massaging his forehead with his fingers. “So this isn’t a dream after all.”

“What is it to be, then?” Morrigan asked again, completely ignoring Alistair’s interjection. “Has a decision been reached?”

Another deep breath.

“Alistair has agreed to your… request.”

Morrigan nodded. Alana felt like she was submerged into an ice cold bath.

“You know, dinner would have been nice,” Alistair cut in, as always, trying to ease the tension. “Maybe a bit of wine? Or you could knock me out, first…”

Morrigan laughed at that.

“Tempting! Still I am glad to see that it has been done.” She smiled at Alistair, and patted the bed next to her. “Let us get some more privacy, Alistair. And believe me when I say you will not hate this quite so much as you believe.”

That was about what Alana could endure of that conversation. Without excusing herself, she just turned around and ran out of the room, slamming the door shut. She was gasping for air, and felt cold bile climb up her throat. Without thinking, she rushed over to a plant and threw up in the pot. Once she was done heaving up what was left of her dinner, she wiped her mouth with the back of her hand. She decided the best thing to do was wait in the room where she found Alistair, so she headed back there.

Alana paced the room until she became dizzy through constantly circling around the little space, so she sat down in front of the fire. She felt like she couldn’t get any warmth in her. She rubbed her hands together and held them out to the fire, wishing they would stop being so icy.

As she sat, she tried to work through the past… 10 minutes, if she were correct? It was hard to believe that she agreed to a witch’s request to do blood magic, and she also persuaded her fiancé, the future king of their country, to help with that ritual. It was so unlike everything she ever fought for that Alana found if hard to reason with.

She eventually did, and that came to her in a form of a wish: I don’t want Alistair to be alone anymore.

That made it easier to rationalize everything. Alana knew how horrible being alone could be: she lost her whole family, Fergus being Maker knows where granted if he were still alive; her whole beautiful castle burned down. Wherever she went, she encountered death and pain.

She didn’t care about her own life all that much to want to stay alive. Ever since Howe killed her family, she felt untethered in this world, floating from one conflict to the other. Every fight they head on the wretched journey across the whole of Ferelden, Alana secretly hoped the next one would be the last. 

However, that changed when one stupid ex-Templar-turned-Warden somehow wormed his way into her heart. 

She knew Alistair’s life wasn’t any easier than hers, if anything, it was much harder. She knew the hardships he suffered, the rejection, the heartbreak. She knew them so intimately she nearly felt like they were hers. That was why she accepted Morrigan’s offer.

She had to stay alive so Alistair wouldn’t be alone.

Alana supposed Alistair loved her as well, and that was exactly why she couldn’t even imagine him having to deal with the facts of losing the only father figure he ever had a few months ago, and then after travelling together and falling in love with his future fiancée, losing her as well. Alana knew that would be excruciatingly painful for Alistair. 

For the first time in months, she wanted to stay alive. Not for herself, but for the man she loved. That was enough for her to go and persuade him to have sex with a witch, when otherwise she would have plucked the other woman’s tongue out for daring to suggest this. This even justified the use of blood magic for her. She hated it with a passion, squashing everything that had to do with it, but when it came to saving Alistair and making sure his future was happy… Everything went.

She laid her forehead on top of her knees, and clutched her hands in a praying position on top of her head. She was never one to pray, only doing so when her teachers from the Chantry told her so, but in that moment, she found herself wanting to pray.

“Dear um… Maker.” The words felt thick in her mouth, so foreign. She swallowed and tried to continue. “Please, if you hear me and still care about us… Please, let this be successful. Let Morrigan’s ritual work its magic, so I can stay alive and be there for Alistair. Please, think of him, Maker. Please don’t take me away from him.”

She stayed in that position for minutes long, mumbling ‘please’ over and over again. She was so absorbed in her mantra that she didn’t hear the door open and close, or that Alistair walked up to her and sat down behind her. She only realized he was there when he hugged her from behind, burying his face in her hair. Alana eased her hands apart, and hugged Alistair closer to her, snuggling into his chest. They sat there for a while, absorbing each other’s presence.

“I’m so sorry Alistair,” Alana mumbled, and she felt tears tumbling down her cheeks. “I’m so sorry. I thought this was the best we could do. We barely had any time together.” That thought made her even sadder, and her tears started falling faster. Alistair just cuddled her and swayed her from side to side, trying to calm her down.

“It’s alright, dearest,” he said, pressing soft kisses on her shaking shoulder. “I also realized that. I know. We’ll have more time. Morrigan promised this would work. We’ll have all the time… Well at least till the Taint kills us, that is.” He laughed quietly at that. His feeble attempt at a joke made Alana feel less shattered, so she laughed a little weakly as well.

“Look, at least we’ll die at our prettiest,” she said, trying to continue the joke. “Our dead bodies will look amazing.”

Alistair actually laughed at that, and his laughter spread. Soon, they were laid out on the floor, laughing like two idiots.

Alana pulled herself up to Alistair, and kissed him, which he returned as sweetly as he could.

“You know, however proud Morrigan might be at her abilities… You’re still far better than she is,” he said, smiling at Alana, who laughed.

“Oh, you say? I’m a better fuck than the Witch of the Wilds?” she asked, making Alistair flush at the word choice. Alana smiled, rolling her eyes. One would think Alistair got over his embarrassment of the topic after they have been jumping at each other at every given opportunity.

“Yes, I am saying exactly that, dearest fiancée,” Alistair replied, putting the stress on the last word, which made Alana smile even wider. “You’re the first and the best, no question.”

Alana nodded approvingly and then kissed Alistair.

“That’s what I like to hear,” she said, trying to sound smug about it. Alistair grinned at her, and then reached under Alana to turn them over, so he was on top of her, leaning on his elbows so he wasn’t putting all his weight on her.

“This is a bit embarrassing though, don’t you think?” he asked her, enjoying the warmth that spread across her cheeks. “I one-upped you. I now have more sexual experience than you do.”

“Hmpf,” Alana growled, wiggling around until she got her legs around Alistair’s waist. Incidentally that caused Alistair to blush as well. “Enjoy your freedom while you still have it, Theirin. I don’t intend to allow anyone else borrow you ever again.”

With that, she grabbed Alistair’s head and pulled it down for a kiss.

Later that night, Alana found herself wide awake next to Alistair. She climbed out of bed, and wrapped herself up in one of the wolf pelts they had lying around, so she could go for a midnight walk. 

As if the fates wanted to mess with her even more that night, she bumped into Morrigan, who was sitting outside as well, on the ledge of the balcony that was at the end of the corridor. Alana walked up to her and settled on the ledge as well. She didn’t know whether she wanted to be next to her or not (especially since she had sex with her fiancé and all), but she figured Morrigan would like some company. She knew she did.

They sat there in silence, just staring at the quiet camp beneath the castle. 

“You were awfully inquisitive about the child,” Morrigan said after a while. “Care to explain?”

Alana sighed. She hoped this would go unnoticed, but of course Morrigan noticed.

“Well…” She didn’t know how to continue. She sighed again. “I was never one for having children, until, well… Until Alistair. But then I found out it’s impossible for us, and that was pretty bad. I would have loved to see him as a father.” Alana looked off into the distance, feeling pretty lonely and not so much as the same time, thanks to Morrigan sitting next to her. “I just… The child is going to be Alistair’s as well, and… I somehow thought, by extension… Mine as well.”

“I understand that,” Morrigan said, and Alana nodded, smiling a little. They sat there for long minutes, enjoying the silence. After a while, Alana grew tired again. She yawned and slipped off the ledge to go back to sleep.

“One thing I promise you, Alana Cousland,” Morrigan said, when Alana reached the door. “I promise that I will protect this child and raise it with all the love and care you two would have given it.”

Those words cut right into Alana, leaving her vulnerable and shaky. She turned around and went up to Morrigan, just so she could hug her. Morrigan let out a sound of surprise, but after a heartbeat, she hugged back.

“Thank you so much,” Alana whispered into Morrigan’s shoulder, who squeezed her a little more.

“Of course.”

After a few seconds, they broke apart. Alana looked into Morrigan’s eyes, and saw determination there.

They would survive the battle. She was sure of that now.

“Go to sleep, you pregnant lady,” she said, teasingly, which Morrigan picked up on. She laughed, and walked past Alana.

“You should go check on you kingling, Miss Warden,” she said. “He might be mumbling my name in his sleep.”

Alana laughed at that, and just went inside.


End file.
